Make Time For Your Adult Children

Making the transition from parent of a growing child to parent of a grown child is harder than you might think. After spending so many years and so much energy being the parent, setting rules, and providing guidance, switching off that ultra-parent mode is something many people find very difficult. Difficult or not, if you want to have a healthy relationship with your adult children you must successfully navigate this transition and make time for your adult children.

Once a child, now an adult

The active parenting years are so intense and so all-consuming that it can be very hard to step back from that focus to understand the reality of a current situation. Your child, once so completely dependent on you for everything, has grown and matured and is now launching into an independent adult life. As a parent, though, you’ll always think of your child as, well, your child. You never really stop being a parent, right?

The first glimmers of your child moving into adulthood start appearing in the teenage years, when the struggle for independence begins. These are very rough waters in some cases, and often get rougher yet when the child goes away to college. He or she is not yet a fully independent adult, but is no longer a fully dependent child. This forces everyone, parent and child, to look at life in new ways and figure out a new way to have a relationship with each other. Figuring it out, so to speak, can occur in a conscious and thoughtful way or an unconscious and scattered way, depending on how both parties choose to face the situation.

Independence can be hard on everyone

Independence is a tough adjustment, for both you and your child. Each of you faces a huge life change where roles are evolving and relationships need to adapt. You can help make this transition smoother by making time for your adult child in a way that treats them as an independent adult. The most critical thing is to interact with your adult child without jumping right into giving advice, sharing life lessons, or telling them what to do. In other words, you have to resist the temptation to shift into the parenting mode you already know and make a conscious choice to develop a new parenting mode that is better suited to the situation.

Perhaps the hardest part is when you see your adult child doing something that you think is not a good choice for him or her. You desperately want to influence the decision, but you don’t know how to do it in a way that the adult child will accept or consider. The best approach is to listen and then listen some more, offering as few comments as possible along the way. Sooner or later you’ll be asked your opinion, and at that point your best option is to share your thoughts in a way that is respectful, not condescending. Remember, it’s okay to say “it’s your decision, and although I would do things in a different way I respect your right to make your own decision.”

It’s not about letting go, it’s about developing something new

The parent/adult child relationship is entirely new to both of you. All too often as parents we’re told to let go” of our children when a better way to look at it is to develop a relationship that is new and different. This process occurs gradually over many years, which means the relationship is in a state of transition for a very long time. The best way to make this transition successfully is to focus on forging the kind of new relationship you both want rather than on power struggles based on the old relationship.

Spend time with your adult child whenever possible. Do the things he or she enjoys doing to get a better idea of who they have become as an adult. Listen to their thoughts and feelings, and share with them a few of your own. This is a great time to share bits and pieces of lessons learned while they were growing up, as long as this sharing doesn’t turn into a lecture or long stretch of unsolicited advice. Be open to answering questions and focus on providing information and perspective rather than advice and direction. The more time you spend allowing your child the freedom to be an adult, the more time you will have together in a healthy and enjoyable relationship.